Here I am, inside the house, while,outside the sky is clear blue – not a cloud in sight. Warm outside and inside.
I could (should?) be out there, whether lazing on a recliner with a cool drink in one hand and a good book in the other, sunnies on, listening to the bird song. Or pulling weeds. Or trimming shrubs.
But I’m inside. Hiding from reality…
Awaiting contact from a psychological counsellor to arrange an appointment; awaiting the test results (for myeloma) from my bone marrow; awaiting a phone call from a friend – any friend; awaiting confirmation of a change in the booking of a cruise (2019, French Polynesia)… Tele on (HGTV for mindless sounds of human life without feigned drama), knitting nearby, stepper waiting for me….
Each day, I put myself in my bedroom. Sometimes all day. Housework awaits; though I do get the dailies done, I ignore the dusting, floors and windows as long as I can, which can be weeks or even months. But I cannot be bothered. At all. I’m in the stage of what the Fly Lady calls “stinking thinking” – not feeling worthy of self care (beyond the basics, that is). Doubting my worth. Asking questions about myself which have no answer, yet. Recycling old issues in my mind, because I haven’t the tools to change them on my own.
I’ve always been capable of making independent choices, and facing the results on my own. No more. Feeling depressed and repressed, and unable to see a brighter future. Wasting mental energy pondering the “d’rathers”, the “what ifs”, the “why dids” … to no good effect. Thoughts spiral around and around, drifting up over and down again, going nowhere.
THIS IS NOT “ME”!
Where’s the confidence, the sociability, the laughter, the enjoyment of simple things, the freedom, the independent me? What changed me?
A series of life experiences over which I did not always feel I had control, decisions made under pressure… each to be given deep thought, one by one. I’m hoping that, by getting each one documented here, I will become more conscious of what I can change and what I should let go.